Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Player: UBS

These days, the tales of victimization is everywhere on the headlines. There's no doubt I've been fortunate in life but that doesn't mean I dicked around to be better than 99.99999% of all humans. I've worked my whole life, my game only elevating through school then finance.

I first went to a top tier private school to excel in squash. Initially, it was frustrating to lose. I will admit in my immaturity to even choking a teammate with my racquet while screaming, 'My life SUCKS!' until his face went red. I eventually learned to channel what my coach called a competitive drive.
An exceptional (private) university then followed where I had to run a most coveted fraternity. Here my analytical and objective-solving skills came into play. When to order the shuttles to not pick up guys, because the ratio was getting skewed (4:1 freshmen ladies: brothers). How to reason with lawyers, deans, or police who barely fathom what a Heaven and Hell theme means. Or how to make out with multiple girls on a dance floor at the same time (try this solution: Ice Cube Game-count the times the three of you can pass it around!).
Using father's connections, I received a posh internship on "Not Park Ave" in a city. After a summer of blacking out nightly, what would inevitably follow were occupations at banks with top comparative asset sizes, PE with no capital issues, then eventually straight world domination. Everyone has problems; it’s the ones who positively think about solving them that succeed.

This is why I don't understand all these 'victims.' Look at this lottery winner.

Not only did Stewie open the flood gates for other smokers, his $8 million was robbed from one of the most capitalist companies in the last century. If I ever consider a career in helping others, being a smoking lobbyist would be on top of my list. I love them (I would never smoke besides Montecristos, that shit kills). I'm just in awe of that company that can provide customers exactly what they want whenever they desire it.

Speaking of good companies helping people, I arrive to UBS. Evidently, the Swiss do banking now, which may be a solid way to diversify a GDP based solely on pocket knives and chocolates.

$780 million? Now we are talking on my level. This makes Philip Morris seem lucky. So this bank from Switzerland helped people keep their retirement money. Does anyone really feel like the IRS needed it more then you or me? Now the IRS is also a victim, the same IRS who I thought was the biggest asshole in the world. Splendid.

As long as the plebs continue to claim to be victimized by capitalists and bankers, I see no recovery in sight. Free markets are on my side baby. That’s like knowing God has my back (whose invisible hand did you think is bitch-smacking your laughable pension?)

In the description of the markets by a smart dude Carter Worth, chief market technician at Oppenheimer, “Basically the market's fair money, dead money, it just needs to wallow...We're in the apathy phase. All the long-only money is holding back and is in maximum cash. That's apathetic behavior. At the hedge fund level, they have their margin leverage reduced to record lows. That's apathetic behavior."

We bankers, hedgies, and capitalists will apathetically chill til y'all get your shit together. Look past your obstacles, you losers, to become high performers. It might be an idle hope though. If my success was easy, everybody would do it.

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