Sunday, February 22, 2009

Nothing: The Capitalist's N Word



Permit me to demonstrate the horrors of bank nationalization through a contrast of myself and this tool I recently met.

I went to a black tie benefit event the other night and those charities always make me quite reflective. My prevailing thought was not how I could help the kids but how I would bang 90% of the chicks there. I also remember drunkenly looking up at the room's massive chandeliers, and reflecting about people who could not afford the event (there were probably some in the room with me).

The event itself was a bachelor / bachelorette auction and I enjoyed it immensely. Nothing like bidding on luxurious vacation packages that include dates with these beautiful women. I did not buy myself one though. It's like my grandma said, 'Why buy the cow, when you get the sex for free?' I met a nice blonde bimbo (hot pink dress and tan) and got inside of her in a conference room near the event. Easy as arbitrage! I'm not telling you this to impress you (though I can't help but be proud of it); I'm telling you this to establish the contrast in this story.

Anyway, after texting my boys about the big W and washing my hands, the event was winding down. I texted back these two girls (I'm waiting for the opportune moment to ask for a threesome) to see whaddup. (I love naive women, one had originally texted, "Stop passing out ur business cards at charity functions & come drink w/ us!!") Ladies were already at "Dorsia" for drinks. Though it was about midnight on a weekend and "Dorsia" was, well, "Dorsia," I strolled past the winding and unmoving line. Fortunately, the ladies sent down some dude to help me get inside instantly. Beats paying a cover and standing in the cold. They were glowing when they saw me, do you think it was the pimp 3 piece suit?

Then I met this tool, who was with one of my girls. This broad, she just broke up with her LDR BF of several years and I think this guy is her rebound. First of all, this guy was short. If history teaches us anything, it's that short people suck. Look at Napoleon. That fucker had to conquer most of Europe to get people to like him. And I figure people still didn't like Napoleon that much at the end of the day. I wish I could describe him more, regrettably he had no real personality or memorable traits besides how much he sucked. Get this. Turns out he's a trader at BAC. Christ, no wonder that bitch is insolvent. I told the future threesome girl #2 loudly that I had heard that BAC has height requirements for their traders. He definitely overheard me. And her response shook me to the core. She says, "But he's so baller!" I laughed loudly at this and would have loved to delve more into it with her but 'Livin on a Prayer' came on. Grabbed future threesome girl #1 and my Cape Cod to head to the dance floor. The opportunity cost was too great to talk sense with girl #2.

I think the reason I was so surprised by this statement of idiocy was the word choice. Baller??? Many words come to mind with this guy such as wimp or loser. But baller is the least likely word I would choose. I understand she's rebounding but no need to go slumming, she's a pretty girl with what seemed like decent judgment. Then I realized it. Just as some people think a farm boy from upstate New York is remarkable, others also believe nationalizing is baller. Cool, we can have these fucking lame government bankers with government salaries! Am I the only one who noticed FDR was literally too lame to stand? I'm pretty confident nationalization is going to happen since it's the easiest thing to do for the government. I remember the glory days where things that failed got eliminated. If you feel something needs to be done, loans to profitable banks maybe works.

I'm concerned that I caught a glimpse of these future baller government bankers through meeting this guy. Again, I should probably stress the contrast between the two of us. There is myself, the cutthroat banker wearing a three piece suit, Italian knit shirt, Kanye West glasses, and Vineyard Vines tie who just got his from some slut at a charity. Then there is this guy, who had no real muscle tone under his tan Gap sweater. His lack of intellect surely fits in well with the other meathead traders on his floor. It just worries me that bankers will have a real dip in quality and gives us all a bad name with nationalization. With further government intervention, women will completely not be able to judge bankers' ballerness correctly. Ultimately, there is one positive thing that can come of this. Though bankers will have to endure more tools like this guy in our bars, we know where we stand against them. With this nationalization, we get another layer in the finance hierarchy. I just have not decided which job is lower, government banker or bank teller...

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