Thursday, February 19, 2009

Player: International Playboys (obvi!)

"That's a fair thought to lie between maid's legs"
-Billy Shakespeare-
After talking to my boss (dont worry he's a rainmaker and we do team payouts) and watching other big boy bankers in our building, they seem...well, stressed. Don't get me wrong, what the fuck do you expect guy? I'm certainly not advocating anyone being a gapping vagina. The late hours are when deals are gloriously made. It's the miracle of economic life created by a banker and an Excel sheet (who love each other very much...). For the rated R version, the deal is the (sometimes unwanted) product of a one night stand. With Red Bull as the liquid to help your vision, the banker has to assert his dominance on Excel, an object that will do whatever he wants. Granted you have to know which buttons to push; let's be real if you use a mouse that’s like not being able to unsnap the bra. And if you stay late and know you made a deal that looks good, you feel like you just got off and all you want to do is go to sleep. I hope you know what I mean if you have done it. But like I said, this wave of stress is unusual. The cause is certainly obvious. My rainmaker manager says he is 'nauseous' looking at economic information, others are fighting for their jobs. OK, so a lot of banks hit their 52 week low today. Mine included.
Nevertheless, besides the usual wear and tear, I feel calm about this meltdown. I know where I'm at financially and in life (my resume is top-notch). If this thing goes to the shit house, I would be excited to pursue another title that I simply must achieve before I'm dead and gone: International Playboy. The hurdles are numerous. There's a lot of training required, the game never lets up, and the associated swagga just cannot fade. But it's been a dream of mine since seeing my first boobies on the silver screen. In retrospect, that red head on Titanic really needed to tighten a bit, but for my impressionable eyes, it was enough to spark the fire. Now listen, I know what you're thinking and I appreciate your sentiments. Your like dude, you already are very secure in slaying the hoes with a job in finance in addition to your enigmatic background, personality, etc. Why give up what you have? Certainly, it's not without risk. Concerning International Playboys, we all can't be Mr. Hefner. Just look at Larry Flynt (I am not even going to bother checking the spelling for that trashy perv's name. The Hustler mag guy. Enough on such disturbing items.)
The pitfalls are out there but I understand them. A womanizer attempting to be an International Playboy like Jack Nicholson can be perceived as sleazy and end up like Colin Farrell. Membership in the International Playboy club can be questioned when you get blown by Monika Lewinsky as opposed to Marylyn Monroe (To be fair Bill, there are no Republicans even being considered in the I.P. Hall of Fame. I humbly wish to be the first). The other major pitfall by being around and tapping pussy all the time is you lose your masculinity. You cannot tell me that pretty Tom Brady in all his photo shoots and man-purses is an unquestioned International Playboy. He needed to knock up that model to make the other Pats feel comfortable in the showers. And no settling down. I don't care if you are tapping Angelina or Beyonce, you lose your masculinity. Straight up. All the pussy on the side will not stop the constant fear of getting caught. Playas can't sweat that swagga.
Here's the deal. To be on top of the womanizing world, you need three things:
1. Some sort of claim to fame. You need a reason to convince people you are the man (bankers have disposition to do this already). If it's crooning like JT, charming like hedgie Arpad Busson, or pretending like Clooney, the International Playboy needs a unique identity.
2. Fool dozens to hundreds of top-shelf women into sleeping with you. This one seems intuitive but peel this onion of wisdom. There are hundreds of horny assholes around hot women whenever they go out, go to work, go eat. The International Playboy is able to fool women into thinking we not only listen but actually care about what is coming out of their prattling mouths. The smartest thing ever said about scoring was from a woman of all creatures. International Playboy Warren Beatty's sister, Shirley MacLaine, said about Warren, "He was able to make women fall in love with themselves."
That's it. The I.P. is great but is greater because he thinks you are great too! You dumb slut.
3. Pride. It's important for the world to know that you score pretty much every half hour. Girls respect that kind of honesty. Enjoy the life! That's my roadmap to success.

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