I was up in the club the other day feeling the flow on my Red Bull high and doing my perfected routine of 'trolling.' Back in my boyhood years, my family's ship captain Jacque taught me the fishing technique in the Caribbean. I nostalgically recall his French instructions, 'Le Petit Prince, just throw out ze line and wait for ze bite.' We would spend happy hours in the boat moving slowly yet purposefully until one of the innocent lines was bitten on. The similarities between trolling for ladies in the club and for Caribbean fish are numerous. Both are comparable in intelligence, look brightly colored, and can be easily lured with shiny bait. All I have to do is to move slowly yet purposefully until one in the school playfully snaps my suspenders or implores for a pic with my Kanye West glasses.
However, when I heard the glorious "My Life, Your Entertainment" thundering in the club, I was awestruck. I felt such kinship to the artist TI, I stopped my 'trolling' routine to research a bit more about the 'King of the South' on my Iphone. (Always an unorthodox banker, I feel that the Iphone offers me comparable services to RIMM. Work pays for either in any event.)
It was then that I discovered his new MTV show, 'Road to Redemption.' TI needs to show his altruistic side before he goes to jail (in order to shorten his sentence). The premise of 'Road' is that TI, the patron saint of public schoolers, shows misguided youths the error of their ways as hustlers, drug dealers, gang members, etc. In one episode, he saved a Mr. 'Pee-Wee' from a life of crime. TI did this by putting 'Pee-Wee' in a jail cell for a few hours, while TI went to go eat Mexican food. TI then offered his career advice, suggesting several occupations that require no education or marketable skills. 'Pee-Wee' took on acting classes to be a Shakespeare thespian; I only fear his illiteracy will prove to be a hindrance to his big break. In any event, after TI deters these wretched souls from a life of crime, they go on to lead blissful though unemployed lives.
I have since surmised that CNBC or Fox Business (Lord knows they need the ratings) could hire a banker to do a similar act. All the producers need is to find a banker facing insider trading or a John Thain seeking to improve his image. They are a dime a dozen these days.
I know several hipsters, mostly college students, who really need to change the path they are on or they will inevitably end up living in the projects. Take a college student in his junior that I know, called 'James.' The road he is on can only end up in vagrancy: the English major. James claims to be passionate about film. While this initially seems reasonable since there are plenty of reputable hedge funds that invest in profitable films such as "The Fantastic 4: The Rise of the Silver Surfer," James is not interested. He once told me he wants to be in film to 'make art.' Quite alarming indeed. It can be reasonably inferred this wayward student will go the way of the hustler: dead, in jail, or a Starbucks server. Another is 'Charles,' a senior-year physics major. Charles chose a major that was most compatible for smoking pot every day. At least it's a cheap drug. If he really applies himself and his calling takes him to the pinnacles of success, do you know where that takes him? Right where he is today: college. But as a prof, he won't be able to blast the freshmen ladies in the face. Okay, okay, not like he took advantage of that chance in college anyway but the opportunity was possible. Why would someone choose a job where the best car they can get would be a used Volvo? (token Democrat for president bumper sticker included!) Another life that will inevitably be squandered is 'Mary,' a senior-year communications major. She is someone who believes in living the life to the fullest, and I know this because she was partial to blacking out and hooking up with multiple dudes in one night. Some who she met that night. Ah, carpe diem! Mary so enjoyed being abroad in 'London' that her goal is to go back there to be a bartender. Again, she has poorly chosen her future path. My expectation for my waitresses objectively necessitates a tighter body than yours, Mary. Her big tits can only take her so far. I suppose her natural inclination to live life to fullest by hooking up with strangers will serve her well in her probable final career as a prostitute. If she can network well, minor success in porno is also possible.
With all these misguided individuals, wouldn't it be grand if a banker could show these idiots the dangerous path they are on? I guess the ultimate problem is that bankers are too self-centered on success and themselves to waste time on inevitable fuck ups. Oh, well. The world needs valets too.